It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
