so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
