I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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