Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
