Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
