do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
