I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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