If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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