and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
