I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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