The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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