he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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