just tell him i said nine months
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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