I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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