I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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