remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
