I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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