thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
