FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Did we literally take a cab across the street
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
