i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
