i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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