Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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