I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
