Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
