Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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