I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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