just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
