i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
I did not marry a roomba.
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