I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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