loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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