If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
