Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Randomize
