I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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