Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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