remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
