I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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