the new term for farting is butt boxing.
someone owes me an orgasm
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
why is half of my head shaved?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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