I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
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You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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