No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I need to sanitize my soul.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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