Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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