My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
