I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
