I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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