I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
