What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
