oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
