I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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