I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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