Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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