He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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