Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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