I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
