My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
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I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
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I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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