I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
