My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
