You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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