So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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