he shaved USA in his pubs
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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