It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
